of love and sadness

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 [ 8:38 PM ] ; 0 replies

As school today drew towards a close, as did my emotional stability, except it went downhill =) i got gradually got more and more angry, which others see and think that Im depressed instead. Remember a few weeks back when I talked about losing myself? I think if I dun get a grip on my feelings, I'll hurt somebody.

Truth is, I might have been itching for a fight, probably to vent out the frustrations I've been feeling. Maybe the monster that I've pushed deep down within me, not to scare myself again at the rage I could go into, is threatening to break free from its chains to surface again.

Left school as soon as i didnt see any need to stay anymore. Apparently dom decided not to go catch his movie and instead planned with sk and ailing to go somewhere in changi to eat. As i was leaving school, was thinking about how weird is this again, going home alone again for the second time in 2 months, giving myself the opportunity to think again. As i was reaching the bus stop, my bus came and left, making me curse my misfortune. Approaching the bus stop, I saw a couple of easily excitable secondary school girls from the nearby secondary school and since I wasnt really in the mood for tolerance, made a snap decision on the spot and decided to walk home from school. The relatively short walk took about 2 hours and when I took it, I was expecting to do some serious thinking but turns out that it tires me out too much, and the walk was one of the most dangerous ones I've ever did, since construction works were going on at Upper Paya Lebar, I had to walk on the road beside the guard rail, and having this peculiar sensation that everytime a car/lorry/bus passed me, it was going to hit me. After all, it was only so close! All i had to do to lose one arm was to stretch it towards the traffic.

Went home, updated my blog with the earlier post and went to sleep. Waking up, i realised my mom didnt order dinner for me and i had to order mine myself (since we stay in geylang, we can order takeaway from the various zhi cha stores). I then informed my mom now she had to write a letter to explain why she wouldnt go to school to meet my teachers. She went talking about how the teachers wanted to see her, which would make no difference since she cant control and dun know what im doing most of the time anyway, and what kinda stupid son she has. Finally she made a disparaging remark, wondering how would I be able to get a job with my "qualifications". I told her there was no connection with that and her writing a letter to explain why she didnt want to go and meet my teachers. Besides, I am still studying and therefore, am not looking for a job yet anyway. We had a slight row over this, as like always.

After the row, my dad came out and took a look at the food we ordered and saw that there was one full packet of beehoon (xin zhou mee fen) and saw that I was eating something else, he naturally assumed that since I ordered my food later than the rest (rest being my mom and sister) , that I didnt want to eat the beehoon and thus, the ordering of my own food later and being unappreciative of the money he and my mom takes home, and raised his voice (mildly shouted) at me for being ungrateful and such. Such a father, no wonder I have promised myself not to be like him and buried my own temper deep within me. Anyway, I told him quietly (since I've not yet started shouting at my father, only my mom) that the stupid fucking packet of beehoon wasnt mine and it was them (them being my mom and sis) who ordered the additional packet. Turns out that my sister wanted that additional packet for her anime tonight, and he stopped being angry at once, by the way, forgetting to apologize for raising his voice at me coincindentally, which doesnt matter to me since he has been doing that to me for probably all 18 years of my life. Come to think of it, sk sorta reminds me of him when he shouts at other people.

I've got a bloody sad life dun I?

Just in case you're feeling pity or worried for me, let me tell you something...

I do not need it.

The above isnt true at all. Haha.